PETER SAID TO SIMON: “Who are you?”
And Simon said, “I’m a Jew. Who are you?”
And Peter replied, “I’m a Jew, too.”
Then Simon said to Peter: “Well, how about that? We’re both Jews!”
Stories
Jooz
Ray Legion
HE SAILED ACROSS THE SEA OF GALILEE till he came to the eastern shore, where the steep cliffs of the Bashan Plateau drop close to the brink of the water’s edge.
Here the slopes descended so swiftly, almost into the sea that local animals already started downwards, could not avoid plunging headlong into the depths.
This was the country of the Gergesenes, where ancient catacombs peep out from the face of the hills. It was here that he came upon the demoniac from the tombs . . .
Trafalgar
“HARDY,” SAID ADMIRAL HORATIO NELSON as he lay dying in the gloom of the Victory’s lowest deck, his face lit only by the faint glow of horn lanterns.
“This damned musket ball has fair done for me and – oh.”
William Beatty, the surgeon eased the admiral into a more comfortable position as Captain Thomas Masterton Hardy knelt down beside Nelson.
“But Hardy,” gasped Nelson as the blood began to bubble up and flow from his pierced lung, “now that I am breathing my last, I feel I must reveal to you that I have a rather – choke – strange confession to make.”
Hardy leaned forward . . .
Speaking with Aliens
by Professor of UFOs
I VOS SPEAKING MIT ZIS ALIEN TODAY und he vos speaking perfect English, like me. But he spoke it in furry strange gargling singsongy voice, “I know you, you know me, one thing guy can tell you iss youf got to be freee.”
I marvelled at his astute command of der Bohemian vernacular when he told me that he learned this on der way to Earth from broadcasts out in space of what he termed, ‘beetles songs’. I was utterly amazed zat beetles could sing und compose und told him so. But he just laughed in furry alien sort of way . . .
Sir Percival Pedigree
In the Role of Sherlock Hound
WHY SHOULD I SMOKE A PIPE?
I was a dog!
Admittedly, a very accomplished and sophisticated dog – and highly educated, too.
But nonetheless, a dog.
It behooved me to apply for equal citizenship status with humans.
After all, I was as intelligent as humans, more intelligent than many of them, in fact – and certainly more educated and civilized than most – plus, very modest, too . . .
Injuns
“JOLLY HOWDAH DO, we are the Asiatic society of Bengal, where tigers roam and elephants wear howdahs.”
“Tigers? Phaser on stun, second setting! Blundering black holes, you are Asian Indians!”
The Bowly Highbal
HE WAS LEAFING THROUGH THE BOWLY HIGHBAL.
“What’s this Genesis?” he demanded. “Wasn’t Phil Collins in that?”
Without waiting for a reply, Daftas continued impatiently. “And what the giddy aunts is Leviticus – some kind of huge creature?’
Ark at This
AND ON THE FIFTH DAY the Lord said unto Noah, he said: “Noah. There’s an almighty great flood coming, so you’ve got to learn how to build a seriously whacking great ark, and build it double-quick, coz the flood’s coming in just two Sabbaths time.”
And Noah replied, “stack me, that’s cutting it a bit ruddy fine, God, old boy. Could you not have warned me sooner?”
Darkaday
MR. NEANDERTHAL MAN – Good afternoon!
Wuh! Where you spring from?
Time machine. I’m from the future.
Not heard of place called fyoo-cher. But you look very strange – you obviously foreigner. How you speak my language?
Bowlegs
BORN WITHIN THE SIGHT OF BOWLEGS, he had it coming to him.
“You dutty old man,” uttered Jerry Cann, before he could even walk.
‘Wood jew Adam an’ Eve it? Git up them apples an’ pears,’ he was saying, as soon as he began toddling round like some drunken, dimpled dumpling in soiled nappies . . .
Cheeves & Worcester
“WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH HIM, THEN?”
“He’s suffering from a limp wrist, sir.”
“What do you mean, exactly?”
“Er – sort of, like this, sir.”
Suspense
The Starfreighter Trilogy Part 1
THAT’S REALLY ODD!
Everything seems sort of laid-back.
Yet I feel so incredibly tense! Why?
Fromway looked down into the gardens – many levels below.
Sweet heavens, what a diabolically sheer drop!