“JOLLY HOWDAH DO, we are the Asiatic society of Bengal, where tigers roam and elephants wear howdahs.”

“Tigers? Phaser on stun, second setting! Blundering black holes, you are Asian Indians!” 

“Jolly bang on, old chapatti, I am called Jali Vankar, sahib.”

“You’re not who I’m looking for, then. I’m looking for – Red Injuns – uh – American Indians!”

“Sorry, wrong continent, my jolly old matey! I strongly recommend you should jolly well be looking for North America!”

“What? I thought everything looked a bit odd! Excuse me!” Crackle – ssshhh – fffizzz – bleep!

“Aye, Captain! What’s op, doohan theer?” 

“Scotty! Beam me over to the USA now will you? What’s going on? You beamed me down to India!”

“Aye, sir! It’s directly below and easily accessible on an automatic default setting, thot’s why!” 

What do you mean? You were supposed to be sending me down to the United States!”

“Och, ‘twas nae possible, Captain! Ah canna get enoff precision fer thot! America’s still on the opposite side o’ the ship’s orbit! Mexico’s the closest I’ll get fer noo; bot only coz it’s on oor latitude. Ye’ll jist haff ta goo thor an’ then catch a treen!”

“We’re in the Nineteenth Century, Scotty, there may not be a goddamn railroad on that route!”

“Weel, a fockin’ stagecoach or a horse then, sir! Onless ye wait til we roond the planetary curve sufficiently in an hour or so? Canna do more than mach ten in atmosphere wi’ a ship this size!”

“No, Scotty! Times running out! Can’t sit twiddling my thumbs shipboard while you nurse it through the clouds. Got to stay active and hope I’ll make it in time. Beam me to Mexico now!”

“Well, I’m finally here in the States. Ah! A native in buckskin moccasins and feather head-dress.”

“Hello. You, Red Indian? How do you do? My name is James Kirk. I come in peace!”

“How! My name, Chief Kickanas! Some white men know me as Harry Red Bulls, on account of keeping young braves in order.”

“Are you sure that is Harry and Bulls and not Hairy and – oh, never mind, no disrespect intended, Chief.”

“Huh! Typical thing for white man to say! White man speak only hokum with forked tongue! Offer hand of hypocrisy in greeting! Cause much totem chaos here, in land of my people!”

“Not me old chief! I’ve come here to right some wrongs, change history.”

“Huh! Great Manitou has spoken. He say, white man heap bad medicine!

Him kill all buffalo on plains, to make red man starve and die!”

“What, already? I was hoping to stop it!” 

“How you do that? It already happen!”

“Seems I’ve arrived a trifle late. It’s Scotty’s fault. I’ll throttle the silly bastard!”

“I’ll just have to go back in time again to rectify this.”

“You speak strange words, paleface!”

“Nonetheless. I do intend to alter historic events.”

“You seem to have fever in head, Jaym Skirk. You very strange white man, not like others!”

“There may be hope for us yet, then!”

“It not make difference to fact. White man desecrate this land. He come on horseback with fire sticks. Their trailblazer lead way. But he pay! Call him ‘Pahehaska’, Cheyene for longhair. 

Him got longhair okay – but it syrup fig. He really heap big baldy – head shining like egg of bald eagle. Real hair now hanging on trophy pole of Big Chief Scalpum’s tepee!”

“Why are you gazing at my head in that curious way?”  

“Just wondering! If white man ever leave these lands it will be heap big ‘Condor moment’, when we all sit round and smoke um pipe of peace together.”

“White man leaving can’t be guaranteed, but I do hope you get to smoke your pipe of peace!”

“I hope you mean those words, white man? Me no like um hard buffalo shit!”

“You can’t know how much! But I’ve got to go now, chief! I wish you a better future!”

“Are you going to disappear now, strange white man?”

“That’s right! Farewell.” Click – pffffizzzz – bleep!

“Beam me up, Scotty!”

“I suppose ye know that if ye are successful wi’ this venture, Captain – we will all cease tae exist, considering thot we’re all products o’ the United States of America.”

“You misunderstand me, Scotty. My principle aim is to save the buffalo, which will also give the Native People a better deal. Whether contentious or otherwise, though, the pathway leading to the formation of the United States, as they are today – had by then, already been set.