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D Dave Draper

Creations

Spoof

A Nautical Old Tale

by Dave Draper  ©  201617th Century Buccaneering Romp · spoof · 905 words

A Nautical Old Tale

SPEAKING IN HIS USUAL QUAINT and antiquated vulgar manner, Lung Jun Saliva, native resident of Darset’s quaint coves and sandy beaches and captain of the Dispaniola following a mutiny led by him, was engaged in interview with the eloquent young Jem Orkins, who seemed rather too well educated and over-qualified for the post of cabin boy aboard his ship.

“Oo arr, Jem lad,” he said introducing himself unnecessarily, since Orkins had already unwittingly aided him in his takeover of the Dispaniola and knew only too well who the old scheming pirate was.

“Oy be Lung Jun Saliva. Oy come from a lung line o’ west country kinfolk; an’ orl of ‘em be seafarin’ luds in their day. What say thee to that, me liddel ol’ sprog bobble?”

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A Seafaring Lad

The Ballad of Dopey Mick

by Dave Draper  ©  2016spoof · 197 words

A Seafaring Lad

Oy winked and wumbled where beacons burn
all through the long lee dale
and once I sailed through seven seas
for a sight of a mighty whale
And naught as huge as he I found
in any sea that I was bound . . .

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Doom of the Dinosaurs

The K–T Extinction Event

by Dave Draper  ©  2016Earth Science · Prehistory · spoof · 1389 words

Doom of the Dinosaurs

– Dinosaurs Witness Asteroid Approach –

“OH OH! TIME TO SAY GOODNIGHT I think, Plod. Just when I were looking forward to a nice long leisurely life o’ browsing on leaves and stuff in the sunny Cretaceous Period an’ all. So ends the Mesozoic Era! [Sigh].”

“Trust our bloody luck, Bron!” [Plod stamps elephantine foot] “I blame those old bar-stewards, the Laws of Chaos and Entropy for this! They’re always getting in the way of Progress and generally buggering things up for us. No wonder so many of this world’s creatures end up becoming extinct.”

“Aye!” [Bron raises serpentine neck in an s-shape, eyeing the approaching asteroid nervously]

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Spaceman Dan and his Robot Sam

by Dave Draper  ©  2016science fiction · spoof · 1385 words

Spaceman Dan and his Robot Sam

SPACEMAN DAN AND HIS ASSIGNED ROBOT COMPANION set out from their wheel-shaped space station orbiting Saturn on an exploratory survey of the surrounding area.

“What do you think of the view, robot?”
“I wish you wouldn’t call me robot – it makes me feel like a kind of nonentity.”

“Oh – er. Okay. How’s about if I call you Tin ribs then?”
“Funny guy! How’s about if I call you Dan-Dan-the-Toilet-cleaner-man, instead of Spaceman-Dan?”

“No, I don’t think so. Too much of a mouthful for a start. Just remember, you’re only a metalloid construct, no need to get ideas above your station – ”

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Doctor Who and the Daleks

THE MOVIE

by Dave Draper  ©  2004science fiction · spoof · 2696 words

Doctor Who and the Daleks

IT IS THE YEAR 2150. In a run-down North London suburb, Dr Who and his granddaughter, Susan, have infiltrated Davros’ underground hideaway.

Almost breathlessly, they make their way down through a series of whispering tunnels, eerily lit by some strange green-tinged luminescence and ripe with the tang of something indescribably unearthly . . .

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The Early Jerk

by Dave Draper  ©  2015spoof · 15 words

The Early Jerk

The early jerk gets the germ
but his trouble…

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He who Larfs

by dave draper  ©  2015spoof · 34 words

He who Larfs

He who larfs larf, larfs larfly
He who goofs and runs away,
lives to goof another day…

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Dimension It

The Dimwid Dossier

by Dave Draper  ©  2011science fiction · spoof · 2382 words

Dimension It

SOMETHING QUITE DREADFUL suddenly emerged from beyond.

It reached out with rabid sensors – probing intensely

Tendrils uncoiling – seeking fervently

Dimwid stared in abject terror at what confronted him. Too horror-struck to move, too scared not to run for his life. But who on Earth, or indeed anywhere in all Creation, wants to stand by while their mind is sucked completely dry?

Not Dimwid, he’s a sworn coward! It’s an excellent survival trait!

He needed his mind – it’s what gave him identity, made him who he was. Such as it was; it took him a long time to develop. Without it, his brain would be empty. He’d just be a zombie.

It was too terrible to contemplate.

But what could he do? The Lurgi was coming to get him . . .

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Speaking with Aliens

by Professor of UFOs

by Dave Draper  ©  2014biographical · science fiction · spoof · 1381 words

Speaking with Aliens

I VOS SPEAKING MIT ZIS ALIEN TODAY und he vos speaking perfect English, like me. But he spoke it in furry strange gargling singsongy voice, “I know you, you know me, one thing guy can tell you iss youf got to be freee.”

I marvelled at his astute command of der Bohemian vernacular when he told me that he learned this on der way to Earth from broadcasts out in space of what he termed, ‘beetles songs’. I was utterly amazed zat beetles could sing und compose und told him so. But he just laughed in furry alien sort of way . . .

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Sir Percival Pedigree

In the Role of Sherlock Hound

by Dave Draper  ©  2014spoof · 3222 words

Sir Percival Pedigree

WHY SHOULD I SMOKE A PIPE?

I was a dog!

Admittedly, a very accomplished and sophisticated dog – and highly educated, too.

But nonetheless, a dog.

It behooved me to apply for equal citizenship status with humans.

After all, I was as intelligent as humans, more intelligent than many of them, in fact – and certainly more educated and civilized than most – plus, very modest, too . . .

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Dan Dare, Pilot of the Future

The Nutwood Affair

by Dave Draper  ©  1990science fiction · spoof · 1795 words

Dan Dare, Pilot of the Future

THE MEKON’S FLAGSHIP DROPS SILENTLY through Earth’s cloud layer towards a corner of countryside somewhere in Southern England. It slows its descent through clear blue skies on a sunny day in mid-spring. On board with the Mekon in his control cabin, are Dan Dare and Digby, under Treen guard.

MEKON: Observe – we are coming in to land now, Earthlings. For my purpose, I have chosen a particular area and you, Colonel Dare, will be an integral part of my plan.

DAN DARE: Hey, Dig! I recognise some of the landmarks, and if I’m not mistaken, this is . . .

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Dan Dare, Pilot of the Future

the prime minister syndrome

by Dave Draper  ©  1990science fiction · spoof · 4680 words

Dan Dare, Pilot of the Future

DAN DARE AND DIGBY are returning from a long tour of duty out in deep Space.

Oh, well, Dig! We’ve been away in space for a long spell – more than two years, Earth-time. But it’s back to dear old Earth now, at last – eh?

Aye! An’ Ah’m lookin’ forward to a reet neece spot o’ leave, too. Not t’ mention a long overdue payrise wi’ soom back pay!

Let’s watch the news, now we’re back in the Solar System and can receive it on sub-ether more or less as it happens. See what’s been going on while we’ve been away.

Good grief! Dig! Do you remember that peculiar . . .

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